thankfull

right now I am feeling very thankfull.  I am thankfull for my friends, and a form of relaitve peace I am feeling.  I had lunch with someone I used to date (wish I could use her name) and hadnt gotten to see for awhile, we had…well…she was my best realtionship.  we ended because seh moved, and were so young, it would have had to end any way…and there was no way, in our lives now..we could ahve been together…now she is happy with someone else, and iv dated alot of people that i got excited about because they were nice to look at, and i think i had a sense of internalized homophbia where i felt like if i dated some relaly attracted feeminine women–then i would come out on top (no oun intended) over homophobic dick bags, and also that id have a better standing in socyetey, because who i was with, though the same gender, was really attractie. problem IS, if its a bad fit its a bad fit. and i was dating bad fits back to back this year.

b–i was drinking and driving, and we ahd no spiritual connection, right when we started dating i didnt enjoy listing to ehr! i rember standing in the kitchen at my first place in …blah p, and thinknig oh man…stop talking…it was a mess! a mess i didnt know how to get out of because it was all wraped up, and i had alot of free time and no focus and wasnt sure what i was doing….yeah. now i havent talked to her for a few days and feel freeier. but theres nothing like when i see that ex, man, her spirit is amazing. walking down the street, when we hugged just ZING, and more thent hat; i just like listing to her talk, and enjoy talking with her, waht she likes to talk about….everything…the way she sees people, and iv told her about my eating, in a way i havent with other people….and that makes me feel extremely connected.

i am on this new birth control thats been messing with my mood. my mom has been very supportive recently, and i feel my comedy growing alot, but its hard and i also wonder if this is the best thing for me, but having so much attentionn myself and waht i look like has made me be more weight conciouse,t hats a fucking joke, im always weight conciouse but im so scared of lising weight because i feel volnerable, being hevey when i was younger was such a strong identifier for me….as i get more fit, its losing that indenity…and well…such is life: change is hard.

nips

Not drinking is ahrdest for me, not when I am out with friends, the energy of friends and being in a new place keeps me happy, but when I am trying to get ot of my mind and alone.  Hence, me being a problem drinker and substance abuser.  Last night I was getting ready for an open mic, one I have done great at in the past, so well that members fromt that open mic reguarly come to actually comedy shows….however, i hadnt performed there since I got Sober, and thus, was feeling extra anxiouse. espcialy because the ngiht before went badly…

but it went great. however, i was at my moms and put a nip in my pocket, and then instead of drinking it just went and boguht candy, but while i was on the t kept rolling it around in my palm thinking of the release it would give, and then to make me not drink i just thoguht about getting a buzz from coffee, then i perofrmed and felt relazed afterwords….its so fucking interesting and i met some nice people last night.

not isolating dose wonders, being thankfull, that deos wodners and not thinknig i know how people will react, THAT is a big lesson i asume ill let people down or whatever, really…i need to out out the best work i can and what i beleive in, and then give it over to god because after that, its not in my control. yes, it isnt in my control, i will do my best.. (im realizing this AS I TYPE) do my best matireal, my best networking, everything…and tehn it is up to other people and a higher power where it takes me….YAH!

eating and not drinking

still havent been drinking, and is been amazing. i feel good, and its been pushing me to want to xcercise more. i like the high of ecercise too…when i start to feel anxiouse or depress,ed, WOW, much less anxietey recently i feel like i can ontrol my situation and my life more…but im scared of soning somehing other then comedy, i need to do somthing i can fully commite myself too….because if i can give something my all, i dont font feel the need to drink or consume…

sometiems i want to over eat,t hats just my hing. its easily my favorite, i love the drinking but eating is…that comforts me like no others.

Aug 17th, in the cape

im in the cape, and iv been excercising alot. people have been noticing. but, somtimes i still feel like i want to drink, badly. when someone talks alot about alcholol, then i really want a drink, but really it isnt so bad, some part of me is trying to talk like it is…but its not..

update

its been a minute, but im feeling good. i had a show where i got heckeld for looking like a guy, and really didnt do well….and it was a show where i was really hoping to do well, had kind of rested weather or not i wanted to do comedy onm that show, i walked arounda fterowrds and got ciegrerats, thoguht about how much i wanted to xap my mind had that total addict type thikning went in a liquor store, looked at the booze, but just didnt drink.

and thank you god, because my roomate left his window open and water got through to my room, making auge mess. i had woke up deprresed and drunk in that situation, it would have been so…horible. the weekend was a challange, thoguh, my moms family drinks alot and being sober makes me kind of notice my moms drinking habits, i wonder if she is free from the strains of drinking, i did have one glass of wine one of the nights, and that i was able to then not get totally wasted made me wonder, but i didnt let it feel me, and i stoped at the one, it was hard, but i just didnt want to let my mind go…i didnt want to…i feel like iv been drunk or fucked up for years, which i kind of have actually…now that i think about it, so…yeah this is a whole interesting experience, and im nervouse, and scared, and happy to be having it. thanks god, and whoever might read this.

i felt pretty self distructive last wend two, and went to spend the ngiht at an ex’s i could say no to her, so spent money on a cab, which i shoul not have, and went over there…it was dumb and then i was made for doing it and we got ina  fight and i was nagry and tiered….LIFE is CRAZY. living is pretty…astounding, i cried on the taxi ride over, and those were thigns i asnt letting myself feel before…interesting. i also thoguht abput herion, thats where my addict mind visualiztion goes…but i didnt drink or do anyithng…so boo yaah!

sober weekend, blessed for my mom

i feel so blessed for my mom right now, she came to that show…was supportive, and…didnt make a big deal out of that, its so lucky. i mean, she has securrity in her financial sitaution, so it frees her soul to be good, but she is…a truly wodnerful parent…and she walked in on me adn the ex, who spent the night on fri…we had sex but it felt soul less, and i asked her again, “do you really not beleive in the soul?” she said no, and i think thats why our realtionship can only get to a certian point. like, it stalls when their is no soul involved.

and im not sure she would be okay with being with someone that is trying not to drink…the women taking my picture said something interesting, a theory about people…performers who don’t date…the thing is, if you drink or use and perform, it stifiles you and it holds you back from…other areas of your life that make you happy, it subsidizes that for you…and really im saying this cause i just want a beer, buutttt, its prob not worth it…it int ugh

a slip, but…not that much

last night i had a comedy show, and was carpooling with a comic who has a seriouse ooz problem, i felt wanting to fit in with him, and thus, i had some beer before the show, i culd feel it in my hand wanting to have all of it so much but i stopped…and just through it out….alot of times i would drink to think, ill drink then be able to do this…i need to find another way, and i am slowly. i need to rember not to drink at this party tonight, because…it is the right thing to do for comedy, my career, my brain, obsessing…and it isnt light harted when i drink…im sick, there are to many reasons not to, i just wont drink today.

two great comedy shows

…iv had the best two open mics, and have only drank cranberry juice befor them, i feel more comfertable then i thought i would…im trying to not stress out and feel guilty about money at all, but, i also do…feel like…i should be doing SOME kind of job…thoughts about drinking have been less, im still not going to aa meetings, but i know i have to…keep myself, just…accontable, but i cant do it all myslef, there are two many factors working against that…one day at a time..

fainting

*and im not sure how i missed this, but yesterday i fainted. just collapsed on the ground and hit my ehad on a car, am not sure what it was i think it was acombo of lexipro taking, new meds, oer thinkngi….just everything, have faith in your being, that is what you are presenting, and that is okay…that is okay…

good talk with dad…thinking clearer

so, i felt like i would be a burden to people with the fainting, but i was really supprised how calm everyone was, and careing too…i went to the docs, and talking to her was a huge relief, i think i just wanted assurance that im NOT crazy…which, you, does everyone wonder that? and what the hell does that mean anyway. i felt week but went to a hearing at the state house on trans rights, there was a cute girlt here i flirt with sometimes, and we made eyes at each other and that felt good, to kind of flirt in some capacity…but i had a good time with my friend, one of my really best friends, we both are going through break ups so it was really good to connect, his break up was shitty and he told me about stuff going on with his roomate, which oput things in perspective. its always interesting, haveing someone talk about someone elses crazy life…

and with joking, iv been feeling creative. i still havent tested myself by going to a comedy show, but i am feeling pretty positive, i need to just be rehersed, and poised, which is waht it is all about anyway…and then take it from there, see how it goes. since iv been thinknig of not drinking, it feels like..my brain is less power thirsty, less moeny thurstey…which is really interesting, so one day at a time.

and the doc said i wasnt an alcholic, or she didnt think i was…which was, well good to ehar, but…well see, i mean…what does THAT mean too? do i have obbsesive thoguhts? yes, absoultly, do i have an addictive type instint gratification persoanlity? yeah. who knows. who knows. she suggjested acupuncute, which is scuh another ball of shit. but unreavling and okay. and i talked to the ex, which was weird and she mentioned that she as just getting home, which is fucked up and really hard to hear and i hate thinking of someone else touching her, but i also hte thinging of someone else touching…well honestly, at this point im pretty much getting over ex’s…well see, weeeellll, see.